maddie_poofy

jealousy is a BITCH.

2008-10-17T18:45:22Z

i donno.

today was amazing untill 4 hour.
then it went downhill.

im stressing about tomorrow.
what if no one will dance with me?
what is my health starts to get in the way of having a good time?

then theres that OTHER thing in the back of my mind making me sick everytime i see or think about it.

i cant deal with this.....

ugh.

2008-10-17T02:16:30Z

lets just say right now isnt where i want to be.

my health continues to crumble.
along with my grades.
and my love life.

i hate this.
A LOT.

why did this have to happen

2008-08-30T05:40:32Z

i want to go back to having butterflies.
i want to go back to when kisses meant something.

so.
im making myself a promise.

no more of this.
when i kiss someone.
im going to be dating them and im going to be SURE that i like them and that they like me.

i wish death was like it was in the movies. fake.

2008-08-14T02:35:20Z

everytime i watch a movie and someone dies, i think of my mom.
lying there on the hospital bed.
i would look at her IV and wonder if that was the thing sucking the life out of her.
..id never want to leave her while she was there.
i was always afraid itd be the last time i ever said i love you and shed still hear me.
shed never really react to it. but i know she still heard me.

i will never forget the tears i cried.
being ripped away from her. the smell of the hospital and the hospital bed that soon became known as the smell of my mom. thats why, whenever she wears her purfume i hug her for just a few seconds longer..so ill never ever have to forget the scent again.
im promiseing myself now..that when my mom dies or if anything happens to my mother..im going to wear her purfume.

its been a few years now..and yet here i am..crying while typing thinking about the tears that i cried, remembering the stale smell of the hospital, the touch of the bleached sheets, my mind swirling about thoughts of her possible and close death. im watching a movie where to the mother died. i had to turn it off.

she went for an appt today. shes still cancer free. :)
but still..im haunted.

my life.

2008-08-09T23:35:36Z

My life is kinda messed up right now. My love lilfe has completley crumbled. (thats a whole other paragraph..) and My “allergies” are getting worse. And im bumming about that majorly. But the thing that’s bothering me the most is my weight gain. Im eating NOTHING pretty much and ive put on about 20 lbs. since this whole thing started. I work out every other day. I lift weights and I run all the time. And the lbs. keep coming. I strive to be skinny and beautiful like my friends. I strive to have even an inch of self confidence. Another thing, my mom talked to me. Shes afraid im gonna commit suicide. That freaks the hell outta me man. she "feels like a failure" (her words) and i cant make her happy. and that kills me. And like. Im not gonna lie, ive thought about it before. But theres so much I want to do in life and soooo much that id miss. Death isn’t an option. Im just so ready to figure these “allergies” out. Ive been working on these health problems since march and like..IVE GOTTEN FREAKIN NO WHERE. Im allowed to eat meat and veggies now. And like..NO ONE knows how hard this is !!!!! no one knows how hard ive tried to loose weight. My gma throws around the subject of my health problems like “she cheated..she just doesn’t wanna tell us!” no one realizes how difficult this is. Jon calls me a wimp. “suck it up Maddie. Stop crying” jon talks about how its like his concussion. He couldn’t play sports for 3 weeks. ITS NOT COMPARABLE. Something as simple as eating being a CHORE now. Its so hard. And..i like to have control of my life. The weight is out of my control now. My health is outta my control and that is unbearable to me. And I cannot get over the weight gain, gary. Its not even about being noticed anymore. Its about being comfortable in my own skin. I would kill to just be happy with who I am.

a few things before i go.

2008-08-08T02:31:55Z

itd be nice to have a shoulder to cry on once in a while.

i find that in life, it can be very hard to stay optimistic.

i feel a lot of things and i know a lot of things.
theres a large difference and..i question both..a lot.

i wish that i had a euphoric place.

i wish i hadnt made a decision.

i wish i could have made everyones life easier..and just stayed free and happy.

i hope to God, that i dont make things worse.
i hope to God, that things get easier.

to all that are a little nervous for me.

2008-07-28T05:14:00Z

i took a big step tonight.
and now im in a relationship.

and..some people have already expressed their concern.

but remember you guys, im a strong person. stronger than his gfs in the past. and im gonna be different than them. he can smoke pot if he wants..but the minute he pressures me..im done. im staying me and respecting my own morals. hes not gonna change that.

i hate this.

2008-07-26T04:11:18Z

being inbetween 2 guys is harder than i ever thought it would be..

both of them have good and bads about them.
im struggling.

and the fact that both of them want to do these things..
..makes it harder.

so..
now do i not only have to resist that.
but i also have to pick one.

(this new guy has nothing to do with my recent posts..
......this is ALL new....)

UGH!

Guy #1 it is. :)

2008-07-23T23:22:27Z

guy number one is the one that ive decided i like.

i gotta do the next step now: decide if hes worth it.

weve hung out.
i like him.
some girl wants to beat me up because we like eachother.
he wants me to do things that im not really ready to do.
..GAH.

blue lake. ://

2008-07-08T03:15:58Z

im gonna miss him..
..BAD.

tonight was another AMAZING night.

im not really excited for blue lake. i wish it wasnt so long. and i wasnt missing a boy or any parties or any other friends. GAH

guy number one.

2008-07-06T06:20:00Z

as of right now.
im totally feelin guy number one better than number 2. hes got some sharp edges, but maybe i can help?? his family is totally amazing (and hes still HOT.) hahaa.

last night was the most amazing night man.
like, nothing even really happened..but i just felt so.

..so.

loved..

speaking of someone(s)

2008-07-04T20:12:21Z

now that i am totally moved on from that whole thing..
i have some other things to worry about. woo.

1. Him.
-he smokes.
-hes a tad moody.
- dont know him that well..

-hes HOT.
-hes nice.
-hes HOT.

2. Him.
-hes got some low self confidence.
-hes got some horny-ness.
-hes got some whore-ness.
-hes friends with my brother..

-hes really really nice.
-hes HOT.
-hes trustworthy.

anddddd 3. MYSELF.

i find that i fall for guys WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too quickly. and jon has pointed this out more than once.
i just dont know how to control it, man. my hormones are ALL OVER THE PLACE and its KILLING ME. im soo confused and i hate being inbetween guys.
..and i hate thinking about it all.

my plan of attack:

step1: keep enjoying summer and try not to think about it too much.
step2: get to know guy number 1 better.
step3: resist guy number 2's horny-ness.
step4: figure out whether i like guy number 1/2.
step5: decide if guy number 1/2 is worth it.

:P

this is done.

2008-07-04T20:02:07Z

im done talking to you.
im done sinking into a hole that is extremley hard to get out of.
im done lying to everyone.

im moving on.
im finding someone who cares.
im falling for someone(s) (( :/// )) better than you.

sure it sounds harsh.
but so are you sometimes.

another advancement in my health..

2008-05-30T19:07:56Z

MY DOCTOR CALLED TODAY!!!!!!
i dont have this weird disease..
..im just possibly allergic to
-wheat and wheat products
-corn and corn products
-rice and rice products
-soy everything.
-and peanuts and peanut products.

PLUS
i get a tube down my throat and into my tummy.
..and uhhhh....somewhere else....
and bunches of needles in my back.

fuck my life..
and we call know i dont say that often but DUDE..
athough..at least now i know....and can maybe fix it..

GAH

my worst enemy..is myself.

2008-05-27T23:22:29Z

he told me all of that stuff.
and..i told him i didnt see him any differently.

..i lied.

i cant help but be kinda scared yah know?

kjhjhkdgskjhdsfkjh

this sucks

2008-05-18T23:05:09Z

recently, i am quite an angry child.

my increasing, mystery health problems,
my weakening relationships with EVERYONE.

including the one who's womb i was concealed..
..and concealed with.

i am also very frustrated because i have absolutley NO way of making myself feel better.
theres nothing i can do for my health except wait.
and then i feel helpless in strengthening my relationships, again, with EVERYONE.

someone..
..help.

i love you.

2008-05-07T19:05:20Z

im mostly over this whole thing.
..but i just have to get this last bit of anger off of my chest.

ive said the words "i love you" plenty of times, to plenty of people. i say "i love you" to my friends because itsalmost a sisterly love, i always mean it when i talk to my family...but i usually dont mean the "real" love when i say it to a guy.

i did when i said it to jim.
..at least i thought so.

i didnt think that my feelings could have been more strong for him the day before i left for spring break. and i thought he felt the same.

hed been telling me he loved me from almost week one. and..with him being a guy and all..i knew he didnt actually mean it. but the way he looked at me..i just thought..

i left for spring break..very upset that itd be 2 weeks before i saw him again. and since i wasnt allowed to bring my phone..itd be prolly at least a good week before i could call him on my dads phone or whatever.

i get back.
and..before i know it.

..theres rumors.
..lies.
..and heartbreak.
my heartbreak that is.

now..
..i dont know what happened over sping break.
someone is lying. and i chose to believe jim. i had the upmost trust in jim. i could have trusted him with my life. so..like i said i took his word.

and im not going to lie, even though im pretty much over the whole thing, it still hurts to hear about him walking down the halway with claire. it still hurts to even see him. it hurts seeing the pictures of him and claire.

now..i dont know claire. weve met @ young americans and talked on myspace a bit. it hurts when i see her quote on myspace. it hurts when i see him online and his buddy profile is all about how much he loves her.

i guess this is just a lesson to NEVER say love untill you 100% mean it. untill you are getting ready to get married or something.

ive learning the hard way never to say it untill you mean it.

i dont want to move..

2008-03-25T19:10:42Z

my parents are seriously considering moving to a new house.
we'd stay in milford and everything..
..but still.

"it's a good time to buy!"
okay then..what do we do when we cant sell our house then?
..were gonna go broke..
especially because the house is so much smaller than ours right now.
so..theyre already talking about hugeeee construction on it..

and..its right on this disgusting swamp.
the animals at night in the bog will be soooo loud.
and in the summer...its gonna stink so bad..

andd...its in the middle of no where!

gah..

and theyre also fighting about it already.
..a real positive advancement for the family mom and dad..

post # 2 of the day.

2008-03-15T04:16:22Z

my self motivation is drooping.

ever since the 2nd semester started i havent wanted to do anything. and when i say anything i mean anything.

school
friends
family
chores
etc.

its starting to make me angry.

HOW DO I FIX THIS

here it goes.

2008-03-15T03:19:57Z

i dont really expect you to look at this.
i dont expect things to really be different.
i dont expect us to be friends again all of a sudden because of this.
and i didnt post this for attention.

i just miss you..

dear you,
i miss you so much. i hung out with a recent friend tonight and realized how much i miss our friendship. i looked at your status update and it said "..knows who her friends are." and i know that does not include me. because when was the last time you and i had a real conversation? when was the last time we looked eachother in the eyes and said something to eachother that meant something? in fact, when aas the last time words were spoken that were more than just a "hey" or "were staying for lunch". to be honest..i dont remember the last time you really looked at me. yeah..maybe that sounds a bit dramatic. but im feeling..hmm. whats the word. ..well i dont know. but its something that doesnt feel right. and again with the dramatic thing. im sorry for that too..but it kind of hurts to know that i was the one who sat with you for 5 hours and talked and relived stress about that whole thing. and now..you can barley look at me.
can you ask the other girls those questions? can you tell them what you told me? those girls were teasing you when he was on the tv today.
i know that must be hard to look at him. because..the last i heard, you were still a bit peeved.

im not really sure what i mean by this "letter".
im not really sure what will happen after this.
again, i dont really expect you to read this.
and i dont really expect you to care.

but i just know..
..that i miss you...

here's what i think..

2008-03-12T17:11:10Z

recently, a very intellegent boy said this..
"You think im being to hard on other people but maybe thats what an optimistic, image driven, highschool community needs"

i just want to say. amen.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

and i dont think spontanious equals obnoxious at all. i think that people just see it as obnoxious.

it kinda goes that to the "image driven highschool". When people are themselves..a lot of people see it as obnoxious because its not what everyone else does.
when someone actually tries to be differnt, when they step out of their box, or maybe even tries to open up to someone, or just plain be themselves...they are labeled onoxious or weird or people get upset with them.

that is wrong, sir.
wrong.
wrong.
wrong.

i wish..

2008-03-12T16:21:51Z

i wish there was more time in the world.
everything is so rushed.
you all know me..the worry wort.
i just wish there was time for me to do the things i used to love, i just dont have the time to do it anymore.

Reading-i used to read all the time. I still love to read, i actually still buy books that i plan on reading. But i just dont have the time to do it..

Playing guitar-this was one of the things that made me the happiest ive ever been..but after i realized that my teacher was a jerk and i quit lessons..i havent actually played it. Ive strumed a bit here and there, but nothing that made me close my eyes and feel fuzzy inside..

Writing music- ive felt pretty low for a while. but again, i just dont have the time to sit for 3 hours and write a song. when i daydream..i come up with little "blurbs" of lyrics. i write them down ((even when the come to me at 3 in the morning)) but they endup going in this shoe box in my room. I wish i just had time to use all of those scraps of paper and therefore..actualy feel good again.

you know what..just typing this has made me think. On myspace..you know the "status updates" or whatever? mine has been selected on "uncomfortable" for the longest time..
and its true. i feel uncomfortable, stressed, blue, on the verge of a melt down, physicaly sore, depressed, anxious, angry, low, and some moods that i cant even describe..all the time.

i guess when summer comes it will get better. or...at least i hope..

"take me away, to january, im done with this year. im tired of everyone here. i just need some time alone."
"theres gotta be something else out there for me, i could feel it in my heart the day i started to dream. theres more than this mid-western town. i cant let this place keep me down."

walk with pride..for god sakes..

2008-03-11T19:13:06Z

alright..
..so recently..ive heard a lot fo different girls say "this outfit makes me look fat" or "i need to lose 15 lbs. by spring break.

SHUT UP.

one of the girls that said this to me is a size 3, MAYBE..

when they call themselves fat...what does that make me?

and when half of them are born with "skinny genes". is makes me SO mad when they do it..because i wasnt born with "skinny jeans" and i try SO hard to eat healthy. i try SO hard to excersize. most of them eat fries drenched in ranch and then go sit when they get home. and yet..IM STILL A SIZE 12, THEYRE STILL A SIZE 5 AND THEYRE STILL CALLING THEMSELVES FAT.

i dont think im fat i think im pleasantly plump. but when a girl walks around in size 6 jeans and calls herself a fatass...i wear a size 12..what does that make me??

..thanks you guys.

mtv

2008-03-08T21:17:59Z

i was on mtv! only for a few seconds..but it was still awesome. :)
chris's made episode was sooo great.

i was really, really impressed.
great job chris.

<3

young americans.

2008-03-01T01:34:14Z

..so.
it wasnt as fun as i though it would be.

it was actually a little stressful.

but. today was great.
crying with 70 other people..meant a little something.
and also..crying while singing an amazingly beautiful song meant somehitng too.

its that kinda of moment..that makes me remember why i sing.

amen.