i donno.

today was amazing untill 4 hour.
then it went downhill.


im stressing about tomorrow.
what if no one will dance with me?
what is my health starts to get in the way of having a good time?


then theres that OTHER thing in the back of my mind making me sick everytime i see or think about it.



i cant deal with this.....

lets just say right now isnt where i want to be.



my health continues to crumble.
along with my grades.
and my love life.






i hate this.
A LOT.

i want to go back to having butterflies.
i want to go back to when kisses meant something.

so.
im making myself a promise.

no more of this.
when i kiss someone.
im going to be dating them and im going to be SURE that i like them and that they like me.

everytime i watch a movie and someone dies, i think of my mom.
lying there on the hospital bed.
i would look at her IV and wonder if that was the thing sucking the life out of her.
..id never want to leave her while she was there.
i was always afraid itd be the last time i ever said i love you and shed still hear me.
shed never really react to it. but i know she still heard me.

i will never forget the tears i cried.
being ripped away from her. the smell of the hospital and the hospital bed that soon became known as the smell of my mom. thats why, whenever she wears her purfume i hug her for just a few seconds longer..so ill never ever have to forget the scent again.
im promiseing myself now..that when my mom dies or if anything happens to my mother..im going to wear her purfume.

its been a few years now..and yet here i am..crying while typing thinking about the tears that i cried, remembering the stale smell of the hospital, the touch of the bleached sheets, my mind swirling about thoughts of her possible and close death. im watching a movie where to the mother died. i had to turn it off.


she went for an appt today. shes still cancer free. :)
but still..im haunted.

My life is kinda messed up right now. My love lilfe has completley crumbled. (thats a whole other paragraph..) and My “allergies” are getting worse. And im bumming about that majorly. But the thing that’s bothering me the most is my weight gain. Im eating NOTHING pretty much and ive put on about 20 lbs. since this whole thing started. I work out every other day. I lift weights and I run all the time. And the lbs. keep coming. I strive to be skinny and beautiful like my friends. I strive to have even an inch of self confidence. Another thing, my mom talked to me. Shes afraid im gonna commit suicide. That freaks the hell outta me man. she "feels like a failure" (her words) and i cant make her happy. and that kills me. And like. Im not gonna lie, ive thought about it before. But theres so much I want to do in life and soooo much that id miss. Death isn’t an option. Im just so ready to figure these “allergies” out. Ive been working on these health problems since march and like..IVE GOTTEN FREAKIN NO WHERE. Im allowed to eat meat and veggies now. And like..NO ONE knows how hard this is !!!!! no one knows how hard ive tried to loose weight. My gma throws around the subject of my health problems like “she cheated..she just doesn’t wanna tell us!” no one realizes how difficult this is. Jon calls me a wimp. “suck it up Maddie. Stop crying” jon talks about how its like his concussion. He couldn’t play sports for 3 weeks. ITS NOT COMPARABLE. Something as simple as eating being a CHORE now. Its so hard. And..i like to have control of my life. The weight is out of my control now. My health is outta my control and that is unbearable to me. And I cannot get over the weight gain, gary. Its not even about being noticed anymore. Its about being comfortable in my own skin. I would kill to just be happy with who I am.

itd be nice to have a shoulder to cry on once in a while.

i find that in life, it can be very hard to stay optimistic.

i feel a lot of things and i know a lot of things.
theres a large difference and..i question both..a lot.

i wish that i had a euphoric place.

i wish i hadnt made a decision.

i wish i could have made everyones life easier..and just stayed free and happy.

i hope to God, that i dont make things worse.
i hope to God, that things get easier.

i took a big step tonight.
and now im in a relationship.

and..some people have already expressed their concern.

but remember you guys, im a strong person. stronger than his gfs in the past. and im gonna be different than them. he can smoke pot if he wants..but the minute he pressures me..im done. im staying me and respecting my own morals. hes not gonna change that.

being inbetween 2 guys is harder than i ever thought it would be..


both of them have good and bads about them.
im struggling.


and the fact that both of them want to do these things..
..makes it harder.


so..
now do i not only have to resist that.
but i also have to pick one.

(this new guy has nothing to do with my recent posts..
......this is ALL new....)

UGH!

guy number one is the one that ive decided i like.

i gotta do the next step now: decide if hes worth it.


weve hung out.
i like him.
some girl wants to beat me up because we like eachother.
he wants me to do things that im not really ready to do.
..GAH.

im gonna miss him..
..BAD.

tonight was another AMAZING night.


im not really excited for blue lake. i wish it wasnt so long. and i wasnt missing a boy or any parties or any other friends. GAH